A lot of my work with clients starts with checking boundaries. This usually brings up a lot of feelings. For many of us, setting boundaries can be uncomfortable because of the social and cultural expectations we are always navigating. We may fear disappointing someone or letting someone down, losing someone or something. We may fear change, or how others will react if we change. We may even fear being alone.

Setting a boundary is the way we communicate where our limits are and how we establish a sense of safety. Our boundaries are meant to protect us and preserve our agency. Sometimes there’s a boundary we need to set with ourselves. We may find that our morning routine no longer works for us, and we need to limit our screen (and scrolling) time in order to lean into our restorative or creative practices. We may require an earlier bedtime, a harder stop around work, or scheduling artistic practices on our calendars.

Sometimes we don’t know what we need, which can be an invitation to reflect.
Here are some ways to begin the process of setting boundaries:

Tune in. Usually if we need to set a boundary with something or someone, it shows up in our emotions, how we feel in our bodies, and the thoughts we’re having. What interactions or situations are uncomfortable for you? When we are aware of the emotions that are triggered by certain situations, we are empowered to respond and take better care of ourselves.

Reflect on the different areas of your life. Think of your life in a holistic way - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, materially, creatively, and so on. How are each of these areas of life feeling for you? What feels out of balance? Where does it seem like you need more support, or want to give less energy?

Be curious. Notice what feelings arise when you think about setting a boundary with someone or something. If there’s something you need to change, how does the idea of doing that make you feel? Where do those feelings come from? What do you worry will happen if you set the boundary? What could potentially change for the better if you do?

Practice. Setting boundaries can feel scary because we are doing something differently than we’ve been doing. Where can you begin to set a boundary, even a small one? For many people, beginning with our closest relationships, beliefs, and habits can feel too frightening or risky. Start small. What boundary can you implement in one area of your life? When you think of one, simplify it even further.

Adjust. Our boundaries can change. What we needed before may not be what we need now. Give yourself permission to shift.

Remember to be gentle with yourself.
Trust your inner knowing about what’s best for you.

Setting Boundaries: How to Begin